oh it’s Christmas already. i hardly know how it got here. today was Christmas service at Eastside and we sang carols over candlelight, which made me smile and feel like crying, both at the same time. my favorite was when we sang John Lennon’s “So This Is Christmas” where it goes:

A very Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear.

“without any fear.” i think this time of year that line’s especially fitting, even it seems almost blasphemous to the season. because as happy as it can be for some, it can be so sad and lonely and “fearful” for others. that’s something i’ve been quite aware of this past week or so. because as busy as i’ve been–going from one christmas celebration to another to catching up with friends and other sorts of outings–whenever i do get a moment on my own (usually this is holed up in my car, driving from one point to the next) i feel lost in myself. it reminds me of the Bright Eyes’ song where it goes,

And the world’s got me dizzy again.
You’d think after 22 years, i’d be used to the spin
But it only feels worse when i stay in one place;
I’m always pacing around or walking away.

because i feel like everyone else seems to be moving around me, but here i am standing still, watching it all go by. and wonder where i’m headed or what’s headed my way?

i’ve made the executive decision that i get one month to mourn over this little break-up. i can’t dwell on it too long, or else it’ll be getting in the way of the rest of life and keep the focus on me and on the past instead of on the rest of the world and the rest of life, with all of its awaiting possibilities. but i also don’t want to gloss over it, because then it just sits with you, just below the surface and will manifest itself in uglier, but less obvious, sorts of ways. and that’s how i’ve felt lately: as if i’m mourning. mourning would was with what could have been with where i am now. not in a melodramatic way, just nostalgic. and, ultimately, hopeful. because i know that Sunday will always come.

i read this article the other day about not saving things for later, but indulging in them now–specifically saving Christmas decorations or Christmas traditions for when you’re in a relationship and settled down. i do that ever so slightly, so i decided to pull out some decorations of my own: a pretty green ceramic bowl filled with some apple ornaments and a vintage elf and a sprig of plastic holly. and that bowl of apples stands for something bigger than a month of red-and-green, but learning to mourn and grieve and then embrace everything i do have going for myself in the here and now:

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