long-lasting vs. early detection
you know what. i look around and see couples who have been together a year, two years, and i wonder: how? how do people end up staying together for so long–particularly when they’re together for a year or two and then call it quits. how do they stick it out that long? since college, the longest relationship i’ve been in has been about 4 months. i’ve had quite a few of these relationships that last almost a whole season, but not beyond that. something about that time span gives way to finales and closing doors, rather than standing ovations and encores.

and part of me wonders about that, if that isn’t some kind of sign that i ought to nail on my bedroom door or something: You’re Doing It Wrong. but i don’t think so. because i look around and am encouraged by everything else in my life that I’ve chosen wisely and made work and last and endure. the friends i have are amazing and so my judge in character has yet to let me down in that area–why should i doubt it in this? i like to think that these stop-and-go relationships are merely a reflection of me not being willing to settle and knowing what i want. and of course it’s going to take some testing and tasting; that’s what makes you so appreciative. if you get the cake perfect on the first time, where’s the fun in licking the batter or adding some more vanilla or trying some peppermint into the mix? and so i look forward to what’s to come, and am actually encouraged that God has someone/thing even better in store for me.

withdrawal
i was listening to one of my favorite relient k songs, trademark move, and for the first time noticed one line in it: “it’s my trademark move to turn my back on you… and sometime soon after that you’ll see me come crawling back… withdraw from everything that’s hurting me until you can finish your work in me.” and i’m doubting this whole friends-post-break up thing, how healthy it really is for me to try to have both. the reality is my heart’s still connected and to ignore that is self-destructive. i think that by sticking around and–still–trying to make things work is not giving me room to heal. holly said something about treating a hurt heart like you would a wound; don’t pick at it but put a bandaid on it and nurse it until it heals over. i think the whole friends thing is the equivalent of picking, and not giving ample time to let Time work its magic. plus, i’ve realized that i’m still embittered by things and the way he treats me and so i need Time to get over that and forgive him for those things.

i was convinced of this last night when he (yet again) decided to inform me of girls who like him or who are interested in him. i’m not jealous; i’m really not. particularly because i know without a doubt that i’m interested in him romantically at all anymore. and plus i’m confident that i’m not that easily replaceable. but i think it’s disrespectful to talk about those things to me; i think it’s evidence that he isn’t thinking about mishandling my emotions or being sensitive to that. and so why even make the attempt of friends when there’s not a mutual trust or care grounded there?

oh, the things i’ve been thinking.

sickly
and on top of all of that, i’ve been the sickest i’ve been all year. as exemplified by the fact that i’ll i’ve been eating is jello, toast and soup. and that i’m wearing 4 pairs of pants and 3 shirts because i can hardly keep warm. i went to the doctor and it’s bronchitis. but i was really scared because on sunday night my heart was racing and i was really anxious and really wondered if i needed to go to the emergency room. needless to say i barely got any sleep. but my mom said that that’s a symptom of bronchitis, an infection of the lungs, because it ends up causing your heart to have to work extra hard, a la the heart-racing and anxiety feelings. my throat still hurts and i used a whole box of tissues yesterday. i’m hoping that i’ll be up for going back to work tomorrow though–definitely threw a wrench into all my plans! but i’m feeling better. once again, i think it all just comes back to Time.

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