this might come out of left field for some people, because i haven’t really said much on the blog about all the specifics of what’s happened in Paul-and-Carmen-Land, but suffice them to say that if you’ve gotten the inkling that i’ve been upset for awhile, I have. the thing that sucks most about it all is that I remember being so happy with him: i remember coming into work the day after talking to him and being giddy. i remember our first date and staying out late eating ice cream and getting scared by sprinklers, and our second date when he was the most considerate person i’d ever met and we kissed under fireworks. fireworks! where did those go?

well, that’s the mystery. but also what we’re coming back to. because we decided this weekend to break up and return to building that foundation–work on building it right again. because i guess in our haste, we glossed over that. i guess–i’m not really sure what went haywire, all i know is that it happened and now we’re apart, but i’m glad for it.

the reason i’m glad for it is because through the whole thing, i’ve learned a great deal: a great deal about God and how amazing and myseriously he works and how his blessings work, and how to bolster my relationship with him and learn how to listen and how to trust, which has never been my strong point. but i feel like that, through all this, that has started to change. and for that, i can ask for no more.

it wasn’t until thursday night that i realized we should break up. until that point, i was holding on to our memories and things past and trying, trying to make it work. but all the effort was in vain. and i realized, it just isn’t working. and then i felt an amazing peace about everything–God’s reassuring hand that that was the right path to follow. i knew it’s what i had to do, what i needed. but i didn’t want to. i was very hurt by the realization because it shattered a lot of my hopes. but yet, i still knew.

so i prayed for strength to do it and to not chicken out. i had gone up to columbus on friday and when i came home, paul texted if he can come over. i did want to see him. because i’m still drawn to him, despite this revelation. and then i realize: he’s coming over to break up with me. and i was relieved; counting it another notch in the board that this is really what God intended for us. because God was doing the work for me. and that’s exactly how it happened–he came over and we broke up together.
it made me realize how fully God does look out for me and how he totally met me halfway. i guess it’s kind of like Abraham and Isaac, where all God desired was that Abraham be willing, and then he spared him. and here, even though i wavered (on timing), i knew it was something necessary that had to be done and so i was committed to the action. and once i made that commitment, God rescued me, just like he did with Isaac and the goat. it didn’t hurt hardly at all, in fact the whole thing was actually quite beautiful.

it was beautiful because it was almost magical–how a few simple words can break the spell that had been looming over us and had made everything dark and clouded and dismal. because with those words set and us being released from each other, we were real again. i felt like time was rewinded to a few months earlier–where we left off. we were real again. we just had conversation. with nothing holding back, just fun, real conversation. it was really good and reminded me once again of the guy that i first met. tonight he told me i was beautiful and that he liked my hair and my nails and my sweatshirt and my socks. oh, how i missed those compliments. and so it’s funny that they come back now. because now we’re broken up. which is what i knew i wanted… i know there’s a lot to work on, friendship-wise as well as spiritually compatible-wise. and so it’s best to do that in a non-demanding situation.

i guess we’re broken up, but with the potential for more. which kind of freaks me out because i’m afraid i won’t be able to handle that. that i want all or nothing–either to be boyfriend/girlfriend or nothing at all. and by nothing i mean, we stop talking.

but i read an article just before The Conversation that truly speaks to that idea of learning how to live life in the balance, rather than black-and-white or all-or-nothing:

Sometimes following Christ means going 180 degrees from what our culture dictates. I’m learning about that, for sure. But other times it means taking a different route … a more difficult one. It is our fallen human nature to look for the easy way out, and it is actually easier to reject God’s creation than learn to use it appropriately—because rejecting it means you don’t have to actually think about anything, while learning how to use it wisely and well means … thinking.

that this is another chance for God to challenge me and teach me. how to go ahead without expectations. and just be. leave the details up to him. to let go and give him the reigns. whether we’re together or i’m destined for someone else. that’s out of my hands right now. and for that i should be glad. and not fret or over analyze or over think. because that will shatter the whole beautiful thing we have going right now.

everything with this situation has been beautiful–learning about God’s will and getting more and more in tune with him, during this end. and looking at it now, i can see how things turned bad and could have hinged on that one point–that it wasn’t until the relationship was falling apart, that i turned back to God and learned from him and drew near enough to learn. i love that he allowed me that. because he taught me and he MADE me come to him and he MADE me learn to listen. he didn’t just give it to me, because that would have been too easy. but he gave me the opportunity to come closer to him and then i DID. i learned how to listen and how to discern. how amazing is that?

so i’m happy. in a weird, surprising, bittersweet, surreal kind of way. but happy, nonetheless…

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