You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2007.

“I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out–plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. when you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. when you come looking for me, you’ll find me. Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” — jeremiah 29:10-14

“if people can’t see what God is doing, they stumble all over themselves; but when they attend to what he reveals, they are most blessed.” — proverbs 29:18

today i met with a local high school senior who’s interested in someday entering the publishing business. she wanted to interview me to get a more behind-the-scenes insight on what goes into the job. as we were sitting there and i was telling her about our process and what we look for in articles and all the minutiae of it, i heard from the table behind me, two men talking about Isaiah and then later about a couple chapters in Romans. i wondered about it and tried to remember who we’d sat near but assumed they were some older men.

when we got up to leave, i walked Rachele back to where her mom was waiting for her, and then saw that it was a pair of guys my age (or thereabout). and i was totally impressed. it encouraged me that men do exist who can be intelligent and love God and have insightful talks and thoughts about it. because that quality seems to be so rare these days (meaning that, statistically, women are more prone to be spiritual than men). so to be able to see it with my own eyes and hear it with my own ears–it seemed a little Christmas present from God himself. and a breath of relief, that the desire to wait for and expect a “spiritual leader” is not all that fantastical after all.

christmas was very good to me this year. usually thanksgiving is my favorite of the holidays, but somehow, december 25th out-performed it. and for that i’m glad.

it could be in part to the fact that christmas season stretches longer than the others; with a handful of gift exchanges and get-togethers. i learned how to make peanut-butter chocolate-chip scones for my staff homemade gift exchange (we did that at my coworker’s house, which i’m incidentally absolutely in love with. it’s so hip, in fact, it’s been featured on a couple blogs that i’m aware of: here and here.) i went roller skating with some of our youth group ladies + friends for the first time since elementary school, i believe. it was hilarious and definitely something we should do more often!

i went to some christmas services and a musical (which was amazing: when jesus was born, fake snow rained down on the audience and their versions of the traditional christmas songs were utterly captivating. i wish they were on youtube, they were that good.) i spent christmas eve at my parents’, and we did presents in the morning. everyone seemed to really like what i got them (which is my favorite part of the season), and i got some books and dvds i’d been wanting, some new shoes and shirts (mary jane heels even!), a laptop bag and a cordless drill! i actually am excited about that, particularly because i’ve had to borrow my dad’s multiple times in our townhouse. AND because now that my dear roommate is officially off the market and planning on getting married when our lease ends, i’ll have to do another round of decorating all over again.

but actually that’s something i’m looking forward to. i’m excited for holly to get married (i get to be one of her bridesmaids!!! and, hopefully, lend a hand with the whole wedding-planning process!) but also i feel like it’s an opportunity to take that next little growing-up step. of course it’s going to be a stretch financially, but i’ve started stocking up on stuff i’ll need for my own little abode; most importantly–inspired by the bride-to-be herself–with a silver-tinsel christmas tree and some silver and green glass ornaments plus a green-feather tree topper. so little by little…till then, let the christmas-spirit ring!

i guess in this little game-show of life, i have gotten my fair share of grand prizes. but it’s nice, even when you feel like you just got jipped out of the jackpot, to walk away with something to show. and from this spin of the wheel of love, i did get to walk away with some nice parting gifts that made the parting itself a little softer to bear.

the night i realized paul and i needed to break up, i felt a very comforting peace. only the second time in my life that i can really recall such a powerful peace about a big decision i’ve had to make. (the first was when i decided to take the job in cincinnati, rather than in charleston, south carolina back in December 2004.) anyway, so peace comforted me. then i went and (like every good student of Modernity) checked my email, where i received word that i–for the second time in my life–had won something. i’d won things based on merit before; scholarships and writing awards. but winning things by random lottery? the only other time was in junior high and i won a script of some movie that wasn’t even worth seeing. it’s in my old closet at my parents’ house still, hopefully collecting value or something.

regardless, so i ended up winning a $500 shopping spree to a designer website, frankeys.com. i received my first batch of winnings on Friday before i left work for the new year. i opened it and laughed, “it’s my break-up presents!”

here are my $200 Frye shoes:

heels.jpg

heelsholding.jpg

and my $90 heeled sandals:

sandlesstanding.jpg

newsandles1.jpg

and, the cherry on top, are the cards i’ve received from friends, full of encouragement and, of course, lots and lots of humor. as new found glory once said, “i’d pick my friends over you…”

cards.jpg

oh it’s Christmas already. i hardly know how it got here. today was Christmas service at Eastside and we sang carols over candlelight, which made me smile and feel like crying, both at the same time. my favorite was when we sang John Lennon’s “So This Is Christmas” where it goes:

A very Merry Christmas
And a Happy New Year
Let’s hope it’s a good one
Without any fear.

“without any fear.” i think this time of year that line’s especially fitting, even it seems almost blasphemous to the season. because as happy as it can be for some, it can be so sad and lonely and “fearful” for others. that’s something i’ve been quite aware of this past week or so. because as busy as i’ve been–going from one christmas celebration to another to catching up with friends and other sorts of outings–whenever i do get a moment on my own (usually this is holed up in my car, driving from one point to the next) i feel lost in myself. it reminds me of the Bright Eyes’ song where it goes,

And the world’s got me dizzy again.
You’d think after 22 years, i’d be used to the spin
But it only feels worse when i stay in one place;
I’m always pacing around or walking away.

because i feel like everyone else seems to be moving around me, but here i am standing still, watching it all go by. and wonder where i’m headed or what’s headed my way?

i’ve made the executive decision that i get one month to mourn over this little break-up. i can’t dwell on it too long, or else it’ll be getting in the way of the rest of life and keep the focus on me and on the past instead of on the rest of the world and the rest of life, with all of its awaiting possibilities. but i also don’t want to gloss over it, because then it just sits with you, just below the surface and will manifest itself in uglier, but less obvious, sorts of ways. and that’s how i’ve felt lately: as if i’m mourning. mourning would was with what could have been with where i am now. not in a melodramatic way, just nostalgic. and, ultimately, hopeful. because i know that Sunday will always come.

i read this article the other day about not saving things for later, but indulging in them now–specifically saving Christmas decorations or Christmas traditions for when you’re in a relationship and settled down. i do that ever so slightly, so i decided to pull out some decorations of my own: a pretty green ceramic bowl filled with some apple ornaments and a vintage elf and a sprig of plastic holly. and that bowl of apples stands for something bigger than a month of red-and-green, but learning to mourn and grieve and then embrace everything i do have going for myself in the here and now:

christmasbowl1.jpg

i finally got my camera back (had left it at my parents’ house) so for some belated decorating updates:

la boudoir
for awhile i’d been trying to decide what to put over my bed that wouldn’t clash with the bedspread or headboard–which proved more difficult than one would think, considering it’s a pretty big wall to fill. and i couldn’t do sconces because there are already mounted light fixtures on two of the walls and that would be overkill.

so instead, i created a poster with one of my favorite lyrics “what inspires you should entire you, live how you want to be loved.” (it’s from this band, troubled hubble, who used to play at my university ever once and awhile and we got to be friends with.) i mounted the poster on a moss green fabric and spray painted an old frame white. then i cut some bird silhouettes out of black felt and strung them from the ceiling with off-white ribbon.

and there you have it:

birdsposter.jpg

birdsposter2.jpg

birdsposter3.jpg

happy holidays
then, on to christmas decorations in the rest of the house, including mistle toe, all my gift wrapping and the greatest holiday vinyl wall clings you’ve ever seen:

xmas_livingroom.jpg

xmas_tree.jpg

xmas_presents.jpg

xmas_lamp.jpg

xmas_treesticky.jpg

xmas_deer.jpg

xmas_ornament.jpg

long-lasting vs. early detection
you know what. i look around and see couples who have been together a year, two years, and i wonder: how? how do people end up staying together for so long–particularly when they’re together for a year or two and then call it quits. how do they stick it out that long? since college, the longest relationship i’ve been in has been about 4 months. i’ve had quite a few of these relationships that last almost a whole season, but not beyond that. something about that time span gives way to finales and closing doors, rather than standing ovations and encores.

and part of me wonders about that, if that isn’t some kind of sign that i ought to nail on my bedroom door or something: You’re Doing It Wrong. but i don’t think so. because i look around and am encouraged by everything else in my life that I’ve chosen wisely and made work and last and endure. the friends i have are amazing and so my judge in character has yet to let me down in that area–why should i doubt it in this? i like to think that these stop-and-go relationships are merely a reflection of me not being willing to settle and knowing what i want. and of course it’s going to take some testing and tasting; that’s what makes you so appreciative. if you get the cake perfect on the first time, where’s the fun in licking the batter or adding some more vanilla or trying some peppermint into the mix? and so i look forward to what’s to come, and am actually encouraged that God has someone/thing even better in store for me.

withdrawal
i was listening to one of my favorite relient k songs, trademark move, and for the first time noticed one line in it: “it’s my trademark move to turn my back on you… and sometime soon after that you’ll see me come crawling back… withdraw from everything that’s hurting me until you can finish your work in me.” and i’m doubting this whole friends-post-break up thing, how healthy it really is for me to try to have both. the reality is my heart’s still connected and to ignore that is self-destructive. i think that by sticking around and–still–trying to make things work is not giving me room to heal. holly said something about treating a hurt heart like you would a wound; don’t pick at it but put a bandaid on it and nurse it until it heals over. i think the whole friends thing is the equivalent of picking, and not giving ample time to let Time work its magic. plus, i’ve realized that i’m still embittered by things and the way he treats me and so i need Time to get over that and forgive him for those things.

i was convinced of this last night when he (yet again) decided to inform me of girls who like him or who are interested in him. i’m not jealous; i’m really not. particularly because i know without a doubt that i’m interested in him romantically at all anymore. and plus i’m confident that i’m not that easily replaceable. but i think it’s disrespectful to talk about those things to me; i think it’s evidence that he isn’t thinking about mishandling my emotions or being sensitive to that. and so why even make the attempt of friends when there’s not a mutual trust or care grounded there?

oh, the things i’ve been thinking.

sickly
and on top of all of that, i’ve been the sickest i’ve been all year. as exemplified by the fact that i’ll i’ve been eating is jello, toast and soup. and that i’m wearing 4 pairs of pants and 3 shirts because i can hardly keep warm. i went to the doctor and it’s bronchitis. but i was really scared because on sunday night my heart was racing and i was really anxious and really wondered if i needed to go to the emergency room. needless to say i barely got any sleep. but my mom said that that’s a symptom of bronchitis, an infection of the lungs, because it ends up causing your heart to have to work extra hard, a la the heart-racing and anxiety feelings. my throat still hurts and i used a whole box of tissues yesterday. i’m hoping that i’ll be up for going back to work tomorrow though–definitely threw a wrench into all my plans! but i’m feeling better. once again, i think it all just comes back to Time.

so tonight after we finished our Lovelies outing and gift exchange (which included: going to Noodles & Co. where Betsy was the spokeswoman in CinWeekly this week!, seeing a Cincinnati-version of Justin Bobby and trying to photograph him without his noticing, then Starbucks-ing it and photographing it too, and opening all sorts of fun gifts like a fondue pot and an owl + watch pendant and a beautiful handmade purse!) i came home and spent the remainder of my night doing, what else? messing with my myspace page (for which you’d think i’m 15 and not 24).

but let me explain: earlier, i’d found a website where you can turn yourself into a dancing gnome (www.gnomeyourself.com), a la the elfyourself.com one. so i gnome’d myself and set that as my default pic because, well, it’s funny! and fitting. but what’s a gnome without it’s correct habitat? so i had to woodland-ize the page further, background and all.

myspacebetter_small.jpg

and yes, in the bottom corner you can see that’s the remix from The Hills season finale where everyone is given over to hilarious twitches and stutters. cracks me up!

(does this post seem empty and unnecessary? oh well. i can deal with that.)

awhile ago, i was doing a lesson for the middle school girls at church revolving around the idea of struggles. as little encouragements, i made a sheet with different verses on it that relate to times when it feels like the world is against–heartening verses that bring us back to reality and inform us otherwise.

i took my verses and tucked them different places; beside my bed, on my dashboard, by my computer at home. and they really worked. but now, i feel like things are looking up, so i need the verses to reflect that–speak to me in the moment i am now. so i dug through some of my marked verses and compiled another sheet, which i’ve uploaded here as a PDF if anyone wants to see/do the same: newverses.pdf

amped because these next two weeks are pretty (ahem, prepare yourself for a string of musical puns) jam-packed.

(sorry, i can’t help it. really. it’s what i get paid to do.)

for instance:

monday night: date night with Holly. now that our lives are going more smoothly (meaning i’m not stressed out 24/7) i’m quite looking forward to having both a roommate and a BFF Lovely back again.

tuesday night: Lovelies night, as per usual. and if all goes according to plan, i believe this will also include my favorite Dylan-monster who i’m sure will keep us more than entertained. he’s the coolest 4-year-old i know.

wednesday night: small group, also as per usual! which means lots and lots of girl talk and analysis and suggestions and…yes…starbucks.

thursday night: where the “amped” comes into play: MOTION CITY SOUNDTRACK + ANBERLIN + MAE. seriously. talk about an amazing line-up. i’d never listened to anberlin before, only seen them on the cover of Relevant, but Holly, being the daredevil that she is, was able to get her music-snatching little fingers on a copy for me. and yes, i’m in love. see for yourself:

this is the show i’ve been looking forward to since July when we saw MCS last. i’m already whispering to myself, “i’m on fire, and now i think i’m ready to bust a move, check it out i’m rocking steady!”

friday night: Lovelies annual $5 gift exchange. if last year’s can set the stage: I received a book of examples of “Big Hair” (there were even ones with women whose hair was braided all over their face to look like masks!); gnome-ish socks (and if you don’t get it, then You Don’t Gnome Me); and, the gift that took the fruitcake: a set of postcards that featured catalog pages of menswear from the 70s (think polyester jumpsuits and neck scarves and ever so appropriately posed tighty whiteys).

saturday night: a roadtrip to go to a play in Dayton (The Greatest Christmas Pageant Ever). i love the movie, so am pumped to see it come to life!

OK, that’s enough looking forward. i wish it weren’t so gloomy outside, but at least i have all that spirit-making to look forward. plus i only have one more present left to buy. how splendid is that?!

this past sunday kicked off a new series at church called, “peace.” (you can subscribe to eastside’s podcast and get the sermons for free; just go to iTunes Store > then search for Eastside Christian Cincinnati, and it’ll be the only one that comes up.) so, back to peace.

the one time when hitting the FWD button is a good thing
the one absolutely lovely idea that Jonathan spoke during that hour that I’ve really tried to latch onto is the idea of forwarding our worries to God. he was talking about how we get emails and there are some people who forward them on to all their friends. well he was saying that we need to be like that with the things that are stressing us out–don’t even bother opening them (the “emails”/worries) but just forward them along to God, who will open them up and deal with them appropriately. if we can just learn to forward them on to Him, then that peace that He offers will be so much more lasting and profound.

so i’ve been trying to abide by that, ever since. just when i start feeling that anxious feeling rise up, i just press the “forward email” button in my head, and just release it. interesting, because that’s something i’ve always struggled with: how to release things to God and not hold on to them. but this image of “forwarding” really strikes a chord with me.

trying is good enough
another realization of late that’s been bouncing around in my head is the idea that, you know what? i’m trying. and that’s all that matters. i’m trying when it comes to this whole snafu with paul and doing the best that i know how to do. i’m trying when it comes to reaching out to the girls at church. i’m trying when it comes to doing enough. i’m doing the best that i know how to do; i’m by no means “stubbornly resisting.” but at the same time, i’m human: so, try as i might, i’m going to mess things up. i’m destined to never get it “right” all the time. but that’s not for lack of me trying and so that doesn’t make me any less of a person.

i’ve struggled with that a lot and have finally come to terms with it, that what i’m endeavoring is enough. i have to do one thing at a time and then move on to the next–not expect to do it all here and now and be done with life at the ripe age of 25.

we watched a video on Bono once, and he talked a little bit about how his first trip to Africa was more than a decade ago, when he and his wife were still really young (maybe when they were first married?). anyway, he talked about how that one trip was merely a seed; they didn’t come back and jump right into starting charities and raising awareness–that trip percolated in their minds and then, when the time was right years later, they were able to take that seed and watch it blossom. so i just have to trust that those things will happen in my life–there’s no rush, right now. i just keep planting, and waiting.

I was talking to the one guy friend who I’m closest to the other day (and one of my all-time favorite emailing buddies) and we were talking about my recent little break-up. He was telling me about how it’ll be good for me to take this time for myself and figure out what I want—rather than what society says you want. He was talking about us being rushed into finding love, as we watch everyone around us traipse into relationships and get married off, and then he made a good point: “We’re still so young. I hate that we’re in our twenties, and we’re saying, ‘I’m so old!’”

As shouldn’t surprise me, it was a very good point. I’m still so young with a multitude of possibilities laid out before me, a nice little smorgasbord to select from and arrange on my plate. (Little known fact: “smorgasbord” used to be one of my favorite words, circa 1997.)

One of the nice things that’s come from this whole status change is that I know feel like I have so much time on my hands! I know I had time before, but I always felt obligated to save a chunk here and there, “just in case.” (Because, of course, you know that boyfriends and girlfriends have a quota of time to fill, don’t you?!) But now, my time is my own and I don’t owe it to anyone, nor can I have expectations about what to do with it. I know it was always my own, but that’s the trap I set myself in when I’m in a relationship—getting trapped in obligations and “shoulds.”

So what have I been using all this newfound time on? Well hopefully by the end of this weekend I’ll have some photographic proof: My latest crafts is birds cut from felt that I want to string from the ceiling. I’ve also started trolling the stores in search of Christmas presents (my mom is going to be the toughie this year), and last night I sat down and tried my hand at design. Even though I work on a design magazine and appreciate design to the utmost, I’ve never fancied myself a designer. I still don’t, but I tried to flip that whole “Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.” Anyway, we needed some logos for our student ministry at church and I had a couple of ideas that I decided to put to the challenge. The hard part is that I don’t know any how to maximize any of the software so it was a pretty rudimentary process. Yet and still, whether they work out, it was still a fulfilling little project.

Here they are in all their glory (except that they’re crappy files). They’re all based off our church’s tagline, “Building a growing community of passionate Jesus followers.” Within each logo idea are a couple variations to choose from (different type treatments or sizes, etc.):

spectrum2.png
Spectrum one pays homage to the 6 passions with 6 different colored petals (which can also be read as colored drops, ie drops of Jesus’ blood). Also, the petaled image in the middle incorporates Eastside’s new logo.

elevate4.png
Elevate also incorporates Eastside’s new logo and can take on a couple different variations (either filling in the space in the “e” or just coloring in the background). The rest of the word is (fittingly) “elevated.”

roots2.png
Roots takes to the “growing” part of the tagline and is a little bit more youthful/playful than the others. I thought this would lend itself well if we ever make t-shirts.

Well I’m pretty pumped. How’s that for a change of pace? Yes, I’m breathing a sigh of relief too. Let’s hope things stay sunny like this for quite some time…

So what has caused everything to start looking up? A few things.

S-l-o-w d-o-w-n
Monday afternoon, I met one of the guys from church for lunch to talk about the idea of discipleship and how to nudge it in my different small groups. Besides the fact that he’s super smart and inspiring and full of advice and insight and spewing knowledge, it was nice to have that real-life challenge. That person that is holding me accountable to what I’m doing in other people’s lives and in my own and with my own perspective.
Like, he was telling me about the need to just focus on doing one thing at a time. When you accomplish one thing, then God will give you more. But don’t rush anymore. God is very one-step-at-a-time, vs. our society which is EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT NOW!!!! It’s challenged me to be content with what I have now and make the most of it, rather than try to accelerate everything and play hopscotch through it, leaping to the finish line. That—slowing down and taking my time in the here and now—isn’t something that comes easy to me. So that’s been a pacifying force/idea.

Drink up!
Yesterday we Starbucks-ed it with the lovelies, which was, fittingly, quite lovely! I know consumerism is currently seen as the devil (particularly with that new documentary, “What Would Jesus Buy?”), but I have to say that there are things like Starbucks that I think are worth the investment. Because it’s not the drink itself, but instead the time to chill with friends and spend hours hanging out, without having to fret “I don’t know, what do you want to do?” You just sit. And be. And my friends are the grounding force in my life. Period. End of story.

Girl talk
Also, last night I got to chat with my DEAR old friend, Kristin. Who, for the past year or so, I have probably only talked to once every few months. But I’ve already talked to her 3 times in the past week. And it’s glorious! She is so able to pump up my spirits, whether it’s quoting her new book (some kind of How to Survive a Break-Up book) or telling me about all the crazy scenarios she gets herself into. And of course I spill my guts and she spills hers and then we mop them up together. I think that kind of give-and-take is what’s so cathartic. She’s going through a break-up now, too, although admittedly, hers is much more devastating than mine; they were together for over 2 years and she moved across the country for him.

In the spirit
And today, I spent my lunch break doing some good, old-fashioned Christmas shopping, which makes me feel better to check more names off the list. And to come across some really funny or really fitting presents. I’d say I’m about 1/3 of the way through. But that’s a good, solid start—one I can stand on and feel less stressed about.

Making headway
Along with the whole idea of taking what you have now and not rushing through it and just going one step at a time with it, is the whole Paul sitch, which seems to be settling into a softer routine. and it’s nice to ease into that, whatever may come of it…

following in the steps of Felicity, after a major life change, so comes some sort of physical chang as a sort of memorial to the new days at hand. while i didn’t chop off my hair, i did dye it a couple shades darker. although many people can’t really tell, i am quite content. it’s one of those semi-permanent ones (lasts about a month) so i can be lazy and not have to worry about any sorts of roots. my kind of makeover:

newhair1.jpg

newhair2.jpg

this might come out of left field for some people, because i haven’t really said much on the blog about all the specifics of what’s happened in Paul-and-Carmen-Land, but suffice them to say that if you’ve gotten the inkling that i’ve been upset for awhile, I have. the thing that sucks most about it all is that I remember being so happy with him: i remember coming into work the day after talking to him and being giddy. i remember our first date and staying out late eating ice cream and getting scared by sprinklers, and our second date when he was the most considerate person i’d ever met and we kissed under fireworks. fireworks! where did those go?

well, that’s the mystery. but also what we’re coming back to. because we decided this weekend to break up and return to building that foundation–work on building it right again. because i guess in our haste, we glossed over that. i guess–i’m not really sure what went haywire, all i know is that it happened and now we’re apart, but i’m glad for it.

the reason i’m glad for it is because through the whole thing, i’ve learned a great deal: a great deal about God and how amazing and myseriously he works and how his blessings work, and how to bolster my relationship with him and learn how to listen and how to trust, which has never been my strong point. but i feel like that, through all this, that has started to change. and for that, i can ask for no more.

it wasn’t until thursday night that i realized we should break up. until that point, i was holding on to our memories and things past and trying, trying to make it work. but all the effort was in vain. and i realized, it just isn’t working. and then i felt an amazing peace about everything–God’s reassuring hand that that was the right path to follow. i knew it’s what i had to do, what i needed. but i didn’t want to. i was very hurt by the realization because it shattered a lot of my hopes. but yet, i still knew.

so i prayed for strength to do it and to not chicken out. i had gone up to columbus on friday and when i came home, paul texted if he can come over. i did want to see him. because i’m still drawn to him, despite this revelation. and then i realize: he’s coming over to break up with me. and i was relieved; counting it another notch in the board that this is really what God intended for us. because God was doing the work for me. and that’s exactly how it happened–he came over and we broke up together.
it made me realize how fully God does look out for me and how he totally met me halfway. i guess it’s kind of like Abraham and Isaac, where all God desired was that Abraham be willing, and then he spared him. and here, even though i wavered (on timing), i knew it was something necessary that had to be done and so i was committed to the action. and once i made that commitment, God rescued me, just like he did with Isaac and the goat. it didn’t hurt hardly at all, in fact the whole thing was actually quite beautiful.

it was beautiful because it was almost magical–how a few simple words can break the spell that had been looming over us and had made everything dark and clouded and dismal. because with those words set and us being released from each other, we were real again. i felt like time was rewinded to a few months earlier–where we left off. we were real again. we just had conversation. with nothing holding back, just fun, real conversation. it was really good and reminded me once again of the guy that i first met. tonight he told me i was beautiful and that he liked my hair and my nails and my sweatshirt and my socks. oh, how i missed those compliments. and so it’s funny that they come back now. because now we’re broken up. which is what i knew i wanted… i know there’s a lot to work on, friendship-wise as well as spiritually compatible-wise. and so it’s best to do that in a non-demanding situation.

i guess we’re broken up, but with the potential for more. which kind of freaks me out because i’m afraid i won’t be able to handle that. that i want all or nothing–either to be boyfriend/girlfriend or nothing at all. and by nothing i mean, we stop talking.

but i read an article just before The Conversation that truly speaks to that idea of learning how to live life in the balance, rather than black-and-white or all-or-nothing:

Sometimes following Christ means going 180 degrees from what our culture dictates. I’m learning about that, for sure. But other times it means taking a different route … a more difficult one. It is our fallen human nature to look for the easy way out, and it is actually easier to reject God’s creation than learn to use it appropriately—because rejecting it means you don’t have to actually think about anything, while learning how to use it wisely and well means … thinking.

that this is another chance for God to challenge me and teach me. how to go ahead without expectations. and just be. leave the details up to him. to let go and give him the reigns. whether we’re together or i’m destined for someone else. that’s out of my hands right now. and for that i should be glad. and not fret or over analyze or over think. because that will shatter the whole beautiful thing we have going right now.

everything with this situation has been beautiful–learning about God’s will and getting more and more in tune with him, during this end. and looking at it now, i can see how things turned bad and could have hinged on that one point–that it wasn’t until the relationship was falling apart, that i turned back to God and learned from him and drew near enough to learn. i love that he allowed me that. because he taught me and he MADE me come to him and he MADE me learn to listen. he didn’t just give it to me, because that would have been too easy. but he gave me the opportunity to come closer to him and then i DID. i learned how to listen and how to discern. how amazing is that?

so i’m happy. in a weird, surprising, bittersweet, surreal kind of way. but happy, nonetheless…

TOPICS OF CONVERSATION