don’t worry; i won’t count my way through entries for long. but this is just an attempt to say “yes, I’m still here” and “yes, I meant what I said.” i want to try at this blog thing. i suppose two days might be lofty at gauging success, but there you have it–it’s a start.

and it’s funny to think that my life could be considered a “start” right now. because i’ve been at my job now for 2.5 years. i’ve been out of college for more than three. i’ve bought a brand-new car and already paid it off. i’ve signed a lease and bought a new bed and called the cable company and water company and had to haggle them to get things done. i’ve gone on business trips by myself and introduced myself to big names (within our industry, though). i contact people and tell them i work for a magazine and i get them to give me stuff and clamor for attention. i’ve been invited to weddings without my family; i’ve been a date to weddings. some of my best friends have been the ones getting married. i’ve been teaching the teens for almost two years now–teaching! when did i outgrow being just a student and step into this role? what do *i* know?

and yet, here i am, still feeling like i’m fumbling around and still sorting all this out. by all accounts, i’m grown up. but i still feel like i’m 17. it’s a weird feeling and i was talking to my dad a few weeks ago, and he talked about how he always imagines himself back in his younger years. i’m not sure what specific year, but he said he doesn’t feel his age. i never, ever imagined i’d be like that. but here i am and always feeling puny and insignificant and unsure of myself and out-of-place.

but i want to feel grown up and full of confidence. i wonder if that’s why i try to read more and more–to try to catch up with my age. to match my wits with my calendar-year. or to solve all my problems as soon as possible to speed the aging process.

i’m not sure but sometimes i take a step back and i realize where in life i fall and i’m amazed. how did i get here? was it all a dream? i feel like i was in a trance most of the time and that’s one of the most heartening things I find about God: that it’s obvious, “in hindsight” (shout-out to Miss TLC), that he was there all along, playing puppeteer to my marionette.

today i had to give a testimony during a meeting for church members interested in serving with the youth group. i talked a little bit about how i just one day decided to try it out and didn’t really think too much about it–i just did it on a whim and without really any contemplation. our youth pastor always says, “well, pray about it and then get back to me about your decision.” now, i think that’s very good advice–i do, i do. but sometimes i think that the best decisions i’ve made are ones where i just did and didn’t question. because it’s in that questioning step that i usually am able to talk myself out of something. but volunteering for the junior high ended up being something so perfect and so amazing for me, that i had absolutely no clue and couldn’t have. i had no idea the potential it held. but here i am, with amazing girls who look up to me and who i love and who i get to share with. and i feel like that totally was a God thing–him leading and me not even realizing it at the time; just figuring, why not?

it’s interesting to look back at the path he’s paved… “and be glad in it.” i know i owe it all to him and that in itself makes me eager for the times to come because i have to trust that if he’s gone through all that trouble, all that fishing, all that cleaning off, that he’s got something worthwhile in mind–that he has big plans for me. and i know that it’s a scary thing to say that i hope he does, but i do. i know i’m a scaredy cat and will probably pull a Jonah and run off when he asks me not to, but i do want to fulfill those plans, i want to become that woman and bloom those seeds.

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